willpower

Do you know how many times I said "fuck it" right before I did something? A lot, would be an understatement. The peril of social anxiety I suppose, fear of rejection, low self esteem, they all go hand in hand. And I would say that 85% of those instances were probably unrewarding, unfounded, or just plain something I shouldn't have been doing in the first place. Succumbing to peer pressure, finding the nerve to go up to a girl, or simply entering a room with many people in it, are some examples. I used to constantly worry about what people thought of me, and still do to some extent. Nowadays, its kind of the "I don't care" approach. Which is valid? I mean, you can say you don't care about anything, but in the end, you may as well be saying you don't give a damn about yourself. You present yourself a certain way, and people will perceive you that way. It doesn't really matter that they don't know the real you, they're never going to get "in" to find you. My problem is that I want people to get in and know the real me, but I don't want to invite them, let alone broadcast myself.
Every time I write about personal things in this blog, it kind of makes me feel childish, like I haven't grown as a person. Half my life has expired and I don't have much to show for it. And I know what I need to do to fix it, I mean shit I'm writing about it, but I either don't want to fix it, or don't want to put in the effort. So what does a person in this situation do? I ask you, what if you can't find what you need to do, within yourself anymore? Its not there, I've searched, I know it has been there before, I've used it before. But now, its like reaching in an empty bag....even though I know nothing is in the bag, I reach, and I reach......and it goes on and on.......

Thank you for your time.