What if altered consciousness is the way to go

willpower

Do you know how many times I said "fuck it" right before I did something? A lot, would be an understatement. The peril of social anxiety I suppose, fear of rejection, low self esteem, they all go hand in hand. And I would say that 85% of those instances were probably unrewarding, unfounded, or just plain something I shouldn't have been doing in the first place. Succumbing to peer pressure, finding the nerve to go up to a girl, or simply entering a room with many people in it, are some examples. I used to constantly worry about what people thought of me, and still do to some extent. Nowadays, its kind of the "I don't care" approach. Which is valid? I mean, you can say you don't care about anything, but in the end, you may as well be saying you don't give a damn about yourself. You present yourself a certain way, and people will perceive you that way. It doesn't really matter that they don't know the real you, they're never going to get "in" to find you. My problem is that I want people to get in and know the real me, but I don't want to invite them, let alone broadcast myself.
Every time I write about personal things in this blog, it kind of makes me feel childish, like I haven't grown as a person. Half my life has expired and I don't have much to show for it. And I know what I need to do to fix it, I mean shit I'm writing about it, but I either don't want to fix it, or don't want to put in the effort. So what does a person in this situation do? I ask you, what if you can't find what you need to do, within yourself anymore? Its not there, I've searched, I know it has been there before, I've used it before. But now, its like reaching in an empty bag....even though I know nothing is in the bag, I reach, and I reach......and it goes on and on.......

Thank you for your time.

2002

A sobering experience, to say the least.
No pun intended.
Yeah I was the least expected to be arrested.
The golden boy no more, the fine, more than I can afford.

Maybe now I'll get some attention,
not to mention, some love and affection.
Intelligence never a question.
Just wrong place wrong time you could say.....

I tried to come out of my shell,
instead I get put in a cell.
Hows that for a sign?
I was gonna be more outgoing,
but now, never mind.

Thank you for your time.

competing

I'm all for competitiveness, I love it, I get it, I hate to lose, and I believe that the rest of the country is pretty much the same. Its how we were built, it drives us, it gives us a sense of passion. But wheres the line?
I was reminded of this a week or so ago watching my oldest niece play in a soccer game. These are 13 year old girls and boys, playing at a fairly high level. Anyway, during the match, there was a play in which the ball was booted high into the air, and two very large young men, from opposing teams went up for it at the same time. There was a collision, just like every other sport, these things happen, one kid got a little better end of the deal. Well, they both got up, dusted themselves off, and everything was fine, except for the parents. The parents of the team who's kid got the worse end of this collision were all about making a big deal out of nothing. But this was taken to a whole other level.
Their player was awarded an indirect kick, and right before the kid was about to take his kick, one of the parents yelled out, "Kick him right in the head with it!" This was loud enough that people across the field heard it, everybody heard it, the referee admonished this person. It was embarrassing, but still even some of the parents were laughing right along with this fool. It didn't escalate, but you had the feeling it could have, especially with parents from the other team yelling back.
If this is competition, I don't want to be a part of it. I mean these are kids just trying they're best. Sometimes the parents need to do the growing up!

TYhank you for your time.

my everyday.....

Heartrate racing, not an empty seat in the house,
Quiet as a mouse, I give the crowd the once over,
Standing there, shivering like a shell-shocked soldier.

As I open my dry and reluctant mouth,
all thats heard is whiny feedback.
Microphone mockery, telling me to speak up,
we can't hear you in the back.

I can barely muster up a whisper, hesitation noted,
I wring my hands until they blister.
My greatest work, remembered for me being a jerk.
All the sacrifice this took, all the words I wrote,
all gone because they know I'm clearly shook.

I'll never get this moment back,
no matter how wide I open my eyes,
all I see is black.
I'll always be the butt of the joke.
Under pressure, I'm always gonna choke.

What is this, that never gave me a chance?
Despite my plodding progress, I never seem to advance.
No matter what the circumstance,
no matter all the friendly persuasion,
I'll never find the answer to this equation,
that will end this lifetime of frustration.

remember

Do you remember when you told me it would be just you and me?
Do you remember when you said, I feel the same way you do?
Do you remember when you said, you make me feel like noone ever has?
Do you remember when you said, I think we were meant to be together?
Do you remember the 1st time you wanted to say you loved me, but you were hesitant , so I said it first?
Do you remember how hard it was to just make time for each other?
Do you remember when you said you wish it could be just you and me?
Do you remember when we first went out together, and you said it was like we were together the whole time?
Do you remember when you said it felt so right?
Do you remember when I wrote you, and you loved it?
Do you remember when you cried because I left?
Do you remember when you said you couldn't explain how good it felt, me and you together?
Do you remember when we said if we didn't find anybody when we were 30+ we would find each other?
Do you remember that feeling when everybody was talking about us, but they could never know just how close we were, only we knew, and we loved it?
Do you remember how you wanted me in your home, in your bed, even when you were married to another man?
Do you remember when I said I'd wait for you, no matter what?
Do you remember "walk the line"?
Do you remember when I didn't know what was going on, and I poured out my heart to you, and you gave me a kiss on the cheek, AKA the kiss of death?
Do you remember when you left me?
Do you remember when I left you?
Do you remember when you said I think we were meant to be together, we just didn't find each other at the right time?
Do you have any idea that I gave everything?
Do you have any idea that all I cared about was you?
Do you know how many times I put you first?
Do you have any idea how many times I put you first?
Do you know how bad I wanted you and me?

I remember all of this, every instance, every situation, every complication.
YOU DON'T!!!

Hope: The worst 4 letter word in the English language

"Its all we have".......Then you may as well have nothing.
If its all you have, then find something else. It will only let you down.
Would you not rather have certainty? It may as well be called luck. Go to Las Vegas, and put all your money on hope. You very well may get lucky. But thats only for awhile. Eventually you will run into hope, and it in turn will leave you with despair. And have you ever felt despair? Don't! For despair is defined as losing all hope.
Hope will trick you every time, and never look back. It is, by definition, expecting obtainment. Well isn't that very arrogant, not confident, arrogant. Theres a fine line people. Why not do your best, and expect the worst? If you do well, its a wonderfully pleasant surprise, and gives you genuine confidence for your next venture, whatever that may be.
Don't worry my friends, I play the fool better than anyone!

Thank you for your time.

Who am I what am I doing here?

Today I've decided to write about the fact that I guess I don't really know what a blog is. I'm obviously new to the site, but all the other blogs seem to be about an event, or a trip that people are on. With pictures. So am I in the right spot? Guess not. But I've decided to write anyway, and have what I write slip into the internet vortex. I suppose we are all on here because we want people to read what we have to say, which to me is kind of arrogant in itself. "Hey look at my blog everybody, I'm so intelligent". Just the kind of self promotion that runs rampant today. But we are all victims of ourselves in my opinion. Its easier for me personally to write about how I feel, than to express myself in an open discussion, even with close friends and family. That is just how its always been and writing has always been my comfort zone. I guess what I'm doing here would be more like an editorial/journal, which as I write that, makes absolutely no sense at all. Perhaps this is the gigantic waste of time it appears to be. Or that could be my low self esteem talking. Or it could be the fact that my friend told me only women and gay people blog.....Sure is an asshole way of looking at it, but hes an arrogant douche who only sees things through his narrow-minded viewpoint. Hopefully I'm here to stay...stay tuned!
Thank you for your time.

Captain Obvious

Is it really necessary to be a dumbass? There is knowledge everywhere nowadays, yet people seem to lend themselves to gullibility. Is it laziness or apathy? Yes there is a difference. Its probably both. Our society today has this sense of entitlement for what seems to be no reason at all. Are you seriously going to ask me a question that you and I both know the answer to already? Its amazing the time spent unnecessarily repeating things. I absolutely love saying the same shit over and over again, its my favorite thing to do. Focus, grasp the knowledge and move on. Everything has to be spoon fed to everybody, in a politically correct manner by the way, or they're instantly offended. I'm pretty certain that this wasn't the way it used to be. As much as I hate using that phrase, "the way it used to be". I use to cringe when somebody older than me used it. How true it rings though. So here's my question: How do we get it back? I don't think we can personally. We are too far gone, and there is a certain segment of society that flat out doesn't want to make any kind of effort.

Thank you for your time.